April 2011
youcansuckmywhat asked: i thought you should know, you are my number 1 tumblr crush. ashley is the best influence on my life. obviously.
can't stop, won't stop.
can't stop, won't stop.
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“Well, I don’t know how many years on this Earth I got left. I’m going to get...”
– Frank, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” (via emptysthemepark)
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Amanda, Netflixing.
Me: Showgirls?
Amanda: What? It's a good movie.
“Those are the real weapons of mass destruction. Penises.”
– Jeremy, my little brother.
One of my really old good friends deleted me on Facebook because I didn’t go bowling with him.
If I could even have a fourth of the sensitivity the rest of humanity has, maybe I’d be a decent person…
or maybe I’d be a pussy ass bitch.
I hate everyone.
I wish I could dedicate my blog to all of the strange occurrences that happen between myself and my delectable next door neighbor.
Between throwing up all over his bathroom, and sidewalk chalking with him on Easter while his dog roamed around my driveway with a disgustingly huge dog boner, I think we’re going to get married.
Things I won't do:
- Finish a prescription because I just don’t have to perseverance, dedication, or focus to do so. As soon as I’m better, I’m done.
- Even entertain the idea of dating someone who is nineteen or younger because no, I won’t buy you fucking booze, and no, I don’t want to have sex with you at your friend’s apartment because he’s the only person you know who...
I DON’T KNOW HOW THE MAJORITY OF MY PEERS ARE PARENTS NOW BECAUSE HOW CAN THEY CARE FOR ANOTHER HUMAN WHEN IT’S THREE O’ CLOCK IN THE MORNING, AND I’M BLOGGING, AND I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
I have to pee and I don’t want to get up.
WatchObnoxious jelly bean eating and shuffling.
“In the past 72 hours, I’ve been reminded of how god awful my conquests over the past four months have been. I have no escape. I have, as the expression goes, made my own bed and therefore, I must lay in it.
The dormant section of brain in the back of everyone’s mind, soaking with residual ridicule and jokes, has been triggered so often in the past three days that I find myself...
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There’s physical evidence floating around the Internet of my presence at a Papa Roach show.
lolthisbitch asked: What the hell is your problem. I see you typing furiously everynight and when I check to see what kind of magical life lesson you have been gracious enough to share with the world.......THERES NOTHING. NOTHING!!
If you werent about to go to the dentist ....I would punch you in the mouth.
You need to get on your A-game asshole.
If you werent about to go to the dentist ....I would punch you in the mouth.
You need to get on your A-game asshole.
Oh...okay (cont.)
Me: That was a horrible idea.
Amanda: Did you just call me babe?
Oh...okay.
-driving in silence-
Amanda: I've had warrants out for my arrest.
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I’m sitting here with a bowl of Rocky Road, and I have no idea how I’m going to make it to twenty two. I’m just as delayed in the maturing department as I am in the healing department (my wisdom teeth wounds are taking forever to get better). I don’t know anything. I’ve come to that conclusion. And it worries me. Like, when am I going to start knowing things? When...
“I was really upset when you told me Malcolm X wouldn’t have babies with me...”
– Amanda is just…
Walking out of a ghetto movie theater after watching a scary movie is kind of profound. It’s like, that hour and a half connected you with a slew of individuals you’ll probably never meet again, but for a fleeting moment, you were a big family. A big, scared family. For the duration of your film, everyone is your friend. It just happens. You’re all scared, and everyone is mouthy,...
Things that need to be said:
greenthing:
-I’m t0tes sorry your parents named you something ridiculous and/or spelled your name in some kind of retarded manner…but I still hold you accountable. Don’t be a dick, “Karli”. I just don’t have the patience to deal with you, especially when that is your name.
-I’m sorry the world offends you, but don’t come looking for understanding and agreement in my direction. I enjoy gays, and...
Anonymous asked: Is 'Amanda' your imaginary friend?
That awkward moment when you catch yourself drooling while watching The Dance Scene intently. I’m not cut out to be a drug addict.
On a lighter note, as I sit in my stupor, my thoughts often drift to my life before my body basically started rejecting itself, and I remembered an instance where the compliment “you can pass for Mexican” was bestowed upon me, and not for the...
Waiting for my Vicodin to kick in, thinking about purchasing a pair of pajama jeans, planning what I’m going to eat when I can finally eat real food.
So many chips.
Chips for days.
I just heard a swarm of children “vroom vrooming” on their scooters outside of my house. They were laughing, having a good time, and then one of them screamed, “OH NO, I’M OUT OF GAS.”
Instantly pissed me off.
Every group of kids has that one needy friend who constantly runs out of imaginary things and needs to be coddled.
IT’S IMAGINARY GAS, YOU LITTLE...
I had emergency dental surgery this morning, meaning the second my dentist saw my x-rays, I was tossed into a little operating room and had all four of my wisdom teeth yanked out of my head.
Apparently I started singing Macy Gray’s “I Try”, and then I asked my dentist if the position I was lying in, while hooked up to an IV with a nitrous mask over my nose, was a good angle for...
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WatchPluck from it the branches…I’m so fucking high.
“Did you know there have been points where I’ve discovered two day old...”
– Amanda. My best friend.
“Do you hear that? They’re talking about burgers…
I have to go.”
– Amanda, rushing out of the room to discuss burgers.
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Earlier today, as I was showering, the water altered from hot to cold, and I could feel the phrase “cocksucker” forming in my diaphragm. I could feel it growing, rising to my vocal chords, and before I could voice my disgust, the water went hot again. I was stuck harboring this really hateful chunk of emotion, right in my throat, and I felt like…stopped up. So I grabbed the...
One of the most heartbreaking things in the world is when someone who was the perfect amount of chub gets all skinny and shit.
They may think they’re totally hot being thin and whatever, but I’m over here, remembering your old, spongy, beautiful proportions like:
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It’s one of those days where I have a lot of shit planned, and then I end up in front of my computer having an epiphany, decide to write about it, but then something trivial like “What’s that red light on the cable box? Is something recording?” catches my attention, and then I’m scrolling through my DVR, and then I forget about my epiphany because I’m watching...
Anonymous asked: Do you do your own eyebrows or do you get them done? Either way, they are amazing
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I think Amanda judges me when my period rolls around. While I’m messing with tampons and pads, she roams freely and unburdened because her vagina is corked with an IUD.
Having a period is beneath her.
“I’m so sick of amputee movies.”
– My aunt after watching the “Soul Surfer” trailer.
