Things I am unashamed to boast about:
-My ability to shatter your self-worth with only 150 characters at my disposal.
Me, scamming through some of my more ~inebriated~ pictures and finding photographic evidence of someone who was supposed to ~never have happened~ all up on my jock. RIGHT CLICK, DELETE. RIGHT CLICK, DELETE!!! The secret remains. SAFE ONCE MORE.
Yogurt is not breakfast food, Ashley. Yogurt prevents yeast infections.– My aunt is full of infinite wisdom and nothing but contempt for my breakfast choices. What really matters: I have a healthy vagina.
Christina: Why did you change your phone number?
Me: Chumps and debt collectors.
Christina: Valid reason.
What I remember of last night, I look back on and smile fondly. Sometimes, what you really need to get you back on the right track is a bushel of fluent Spanish speaking Mexican Americans who provide you with a lot of Mezcal, TiVo’d Jersey Shore, and a slew of reasons why I will always and forever enjoy being the token white person.
Besides dropping my phone in a lake, disclosing someone’s drug problem, seeing a pair of drunken slob tits, driving for nine hours with two pug puppies, spending a heinous amount of time in Hemet, discovering upon arrival that the individual I had agreed to hang out with was actually a group and consisted mostly of people who have dry humped me at one point or another, and too much baby...
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and...– Buddha (via thehigh) (via zenlikeme) (via somethinglovely)
“So, what’s your situation?” I hate everyone so, like, I guess it’s relatively easy to annoy me right away. But this. This. It was loud, and stuffy, and there were too many smells. I was dizzy, and my cottonmouth had reached an almost unbearable level of “fuckin’ a, man”. “I don’t have a situation”. Dude followed me to the kitchen....
I fucked Drew. His aunt fucked Drew. You know what that means? I kind of fucked...– Amanda’s life is hard.
Anonymous asked: how old were you the first time you fell in love?
My best friend and I woke up at 3:30 this morning to drive my cousin’s Canadian girlfriend to the airport. What did I learn from this experience? Refrain from any doughnut consumption pre-pick up, because when you see two fatties, who don’t believe in hygiene, crying and spooning outside of the mobile home your 22 year old cousin lives in with his Grandma, desperately smushing...
In the midst of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, I received a text that read as follows: “So you hit it and quit it huh” I looked over at my date, back to my phone, and continued to watch the movie. My life. What’s really important here is that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was so good. So, so good.
Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.– Bertrand Russell (via foxbat)
“Oh my god. Tell me my receptors are lying to me. Tell me they are sending false images to my brain…because I refuse to believe you’re Bingin’ right now.” “You know what I miss? Friends. I miss Joey. I miss Matthew Perry, Jennifer Aniston, and Phoebe. Part of me died with Friends.” “If you were to walk behind me, would you say, ‘damn, that kid...
Guess who drank too much vodka last night which consequently led to throwing up and passing out at her cute neighbor’s house? Just keepin’ it classy, you know.
There’s really nothing like waking up to the sound of snoring you don’t recognize, and pulling your face out of a pool of your own drool. It’s moments like this, after I wipe the sleep and yesterday’s eyeliner from the corners of my eyes, and attempt to determine what the fuck that taste is in my mouth, that I realize…I’m young, and I’m unattached, and oh...
This is what my Summer sounded like. Now get at...
ivegotcurlyhair asked: http://s219.photobucket.com/albums/cc309/liracruz73/The%20Office/?action=view¤t=Movie-3.flv
My aunt doesn't approve of my recent "dates".
My aunt: You know, when he was twenty, getting drunk and acting belligerent, you were starting seventh grade, reading Judy Blume books and being confused.
Me, thinking back on my weekend.
My. Life. You. Guys. My life.
My first thought was, I don’t want to clean this up. My second thought...– Snooki gets it.
I’m not dead, you guys. <3
Things I will never understand:
- People misspelling over the internet. You can be a dumbass in real life, dude…but you’re online. There’s no excuse. Spell check. Better yet, improve yourself. Dictionary.com that shit. LEARN. Jesus H.