It’s Jesus…and this new shirt.– The reply of the babely Jesus Freak I work with when asked, “You look really good. How are you doing that?”.
Starting to use my mint flavored antacid tablets as breath mints and I can’t tell if this is an all new low or an incredibly ingenious method of adulting. Friday.
I feel like you can accurately decipher the kind of human being you’re working with when asking them to choose the track on your TLC Hits CD.
Good for anyone who believes their relationship is solid enough to get a dog and actually love a dog together. Good for anyone who throws up last night’s booze the next morning in order to feel better for their friends so they can continue to drink happily as a unit that day. Good for the people who consider their co-workers actual friends because the idea of getting to work with your friend...
He hugged me before he left and he tried to pick me up, but I guess he...– The funniest thing I’ve heard in a week.
I’m not sure which is worse: intense feeling, or the absence of it.– Margaret Atwood (via sarahtotsy)
Anonymous asked: I don't know why you're knocking that girl's status. Boweling sounds like a great thing to do after dinner. If we're being honest, it's something I like to do when I'm feeling shitty.
How fragile we are, between the few good moments.– Jane Hirshfield, “Vinegar and Oil” (via commovente)
How did this happen. Why did this happen.– Dry heaved Amanda as she wandered out of the living room after doing 20 squats.
I think Marilyn Monroe is vastly overrated and I am hungry for all of the cigarettes in the world, but I won’t smoke again unless I’m in France and naked on the balcony of a fancy French hotel. Sometimes I need to lock myself up in my room and cry about literally everything happening in my life because I can’t stomach anyone else knowing the things that upset me. I am sorry for...
I’m going to run away because I can’t be an adult. It is too hard and I’m not good at it and mentally I’m only 14 so I’m done now goodbye it was not beautiful and everything hurts.
I’m watching a Pomeranian look for a place to pee and the wind is blowing furiously which means it is being blinded by its own fluff and dogs are so much more important to me than babies oh my god.
While watching Prometheus
My aunt: So Fassbender gets his head ripped off?
My aunt: ...does his wiener survive?
I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with the cast of Seinfeld at a backyard barbecue of sorts, and George had pissed someone off so the grandma of the family we were hanging out with told her Colombian grandson to chop off our hands and then kill us, and of course I was the first victim, but he fell in love with me and told me he wouldn’t murder me only if I never left his...
Spent a significant part of my night talking about sweat with a co-worker and I think I’m gonna make Amanda go on a midnight bike ride with me because that’s where I’m at in my life right now. I want to ride bikes in the middle of the night with my bitch. Maybe even join a soccer team. I’m falling apart. Or coming together. Either way, my thighs are gonna look choice. Which I really don’t give a...
When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say...– Shauna Niequist (via suspendedinasunbeam)
My head was buried in an MGM casino toilet. Easily the fanciest toilet I’ve ever thrown up in. I was violently puking in a public restroom. My entire body was shaking under a layer of cold sweat. I think I had gum in my hair. My toe was bleeding. I was The Mess of Messes. I was dying. Someone had been knocking on my stall. Are you alright? Are you alright? No. Maybe. Dry heave. ...
I compare everyone to you because you are the most beautiful thing I’ve...– Amanda’s way of flattering both of us at the same time.
I could probably watch Planet Earth every single day of my life and not ever get bored. David Attenborough, man. I could listen to that motherfucker talk about trees forever.
Things I've Heard Over the Course of the Past 24...
- “We went to see Rod Stewart at Caesars Palace and my nipples…” - “The doctor said I had a tumor the size of a five month old fetus.” - “Jesus is so boss.”
My aunt: So what do you think I should do? Should I get the smaller size in that shirt?
Me: I don't know. Don't ask me anything. I make horrible life choices.
To my daughters I need to say: Go with the one who loves you biblically. The...– “untitled,” Rachel McKibbens (via commovente) I don’t have words. Only feelings. And I’m wearing leggings as pants today so I’m twice as moved. People, man. Some of them are truly fucking beautiful, you know?